I Think I Killed Us (Poem #23)

“I Think I Killed Us”
Those phrases were like bees buzzing in my ear
no matter how I try to escape
it’s all I seem to hear

“Cheat before he does, or play games before you get played.”
It’s hard ignoring those words
it’s hard being blamed for my pain
it’s hard seeing potential men
and then use the ones that can help me
to protect myself so that when you finally cheat
it wouldn’t hurt as much

I’d totally be okay with it
knowing that there’s something more that I already did
but if that makes you sick,
then you should hear this:

It never got to the point of what you’re most afraid of
and i guess if that’s not how it’s played
then what happened wasn’t cheating enough
because when I met his eyes
I remembered how good it felt staring at yours

when he offered his hand
I realize how I longed to be in your arms

when he smiled at me
I thought about how your smile is the loveliest sight there could ever be

and when he started talking about how lovely I am
all I ever want to do was run and wonder
why I’d rather be ugly in his sight
but beautiful in your eyes

I faked a smile, I faked a laugh
to hide the fear inside
my friends grinned at my anxiety
and altogether beamed me
to shut them up I pretended that I have learned
“set aside love” they said “to make the most out of the night”

When the night was over
and the sun has risen
and all that’s left is to contemplate
how last night went,
guilt was banging in my chest

I was so tired I’d like to give myself a rest
but the voices in my head
are as bothering as the bees buzzing
and that’s when I knew
that I’d rather have their voices buzzing
or even stinging
than to cheat again.